It seems as though every website has an article or post on any number of things you can do to be more “eco-friendly” in honor of Earth Day. But all of these brilliant ideas…everything from the old standards like switching to Compact Flourescent Lightbulbs to the trendy “Buy a $20 stainless steel water bottle“… are merely insignificant actions to attempt to reduce your impact on the planet.

If you really care about our planet and want to make a meaningful difference, the best thing you can do is to simply Kill Yourself. Your mere existence has been slowly killing our planet since the day you were born so don’t you think it’s time you stop being so selfish and do something for the earth that will really make a difference. We all know that mankind is the worst thing that has every happened to our planet and the way I see it there is only one way to fix the problem.

Now please, when you kill yourself don’t do it in the conventional non eco-friendly means that selfish humans have always used such as toxic poisons that will eventually be released into the environment, shooting yourself with a carbon-emitting firearm, or by jumping off a bridge and littering our rivers and streams. The least you can do after a lifetime of murdering Mother Earth is to make your last action on earth be environmentally sensitive. One suggestion is to hang yourself using a hemp rope and have your will (written on recycled paper and with biodegradable ink, of course) stipulate that your nutrient-rich corpse be buried directly in the dirt (sans rainforest-raping casket) beneath a newly planted tree.

Happy Earth Day!